But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
How does it feel to date your dad?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
