dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
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