awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
