I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
