Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
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she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
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Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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