The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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