just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
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