i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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