I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
