Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
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Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
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I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
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