i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Ketchup is God's man juice
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
