So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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