True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
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How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
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I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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