As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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