You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
