Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
