I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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