I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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