in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
