Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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