Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
