Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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