I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Randomize
