So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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