She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
