Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
