ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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