Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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