everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
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