You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
