i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
We need a shit load of segways right now
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
