i may or may not be watching the land before time
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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