So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize