She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
