a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
