I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
