In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
