I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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