hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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