i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
