I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
