your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
