Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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