took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I need to calm my uterus...
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
