I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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