i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
my being single is dangerous.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
