why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
