We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Is Oprah even human
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
