There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
3pm strippers are depressing
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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