I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...