i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
