her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
