she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Randomize
