i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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